European Tourist Guide to NYC


We are glad to see that you have decided to visit the City of New York in the United States of America. This small, yet informative pamphlet, will help you cope with New Yorkers.

Hopefully you’ve watched many television shows and movies about New York and we want to let you know that everything you’ve seen is true. New Yorkers are generally mean, nasty, bitter folk. They are rude, use profanity to excess and smoke & drink as much as possible. They will never, ever help anyone in distress and break out into fisticuffs with each other at a moments notice. You should never look at any of them straight in the eye or they may hurt you.

Chapter 6: The Staten Island Ferry

The Staten Island Ferry is a large, orange vessel that transports the natives between Manhattan Island and Staten Island several times a day. It is free as it is practically the only way these poor, unfortunate  souls can traverse between the two boroughs. That being said, the best time for you, as a tourist, to take the Ferry is during what New Yorkers call “the evening rush”. This is the time when they all get out of work and must hurry home to the things they feel are important to them, such as pick their children up from afterschool or daycare, get to late doctor’s appointments, make dinner for their families, etc. This, mind you, is not your concern. You are a guest and your hosts should put their needs aside for you.

When you get to the ferry terminal, you will need to get to the front of the immense crowd that is gathered there. Feel free to push and shove the natives and their offspring out of your way, no matter how much they grumble or groan. It is completely unnecessary to say excuse me at any time. As the doors begin to open, make sure that each one in your party clings to each other like bees in a hive. When you have gotten to the ramp, walk as slowly as you like.

As you embark, feel free to stop short and take pictures or simply look around. Nevermind that there are hundreds of people behind you who would like to get a seat after having been at work or school all day. Again, that is none of your concern.

Remember that if you are going from NYC to Staten Island, that the Statue of Liberty can be viewed from the windows on your right. This means that you should board on the left side of the ferry. As the ferry begins to move, act very excited and rush to the starboard side. Laugh and giggle. If it’s cold outside, make sure to open the doors on the front of the boat  – these people love it when ice-cold wind suddenly smacks them in the face, blowing their scarves and pages from books everywhere.

Talk loudly next to someone who is reading. Stare at them like zoo animals as they are quite amusing.

Your trip will be coming to an end after about 20 minutes, so be sure to gather your group at the front doors. The regular passengers will be gathering there also so they can run to other modes of transportation which, if the ferry was even a minutes late, may not have stayed for them. Sadly they may need to wait for another bus, making them tardy for the various important “things” they needed to attend to. Oh, well, they should have planned ahead. In any case, when the ferry docks, a man or possibly a woman, will announce that the boat is out of service. If you want to go back to Manhattan, you will need to disembark and get on a new ferry. When this happens, pretend you don’t speak any English at all and push your way through the tired, angry herd to the back of the vessel.

After the deck hand finds you, smile and joke. Pretend you care. Get off of the ferry making sure to walk slowly so that everyone who has work to do can admire you and your sophisticated European style and class. Do not spend any money on this Island, it is a common place and you don’t need to venture there.

Start the whole charade again going in the other direction.

This entry was posted in Totally Fake News - maybe and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s