Gentrification Project Update


This draft memo was discovered on the men’s room floor in an eatery near city hall.

September 1st, 2011  CONFIDENTIAL DRAFT

From:   xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

To:       To Be Determined

Subject: Update on Gentrification and Re-Colonization of New York City

This memo is a follow up to the Update… of February 15th, 2011.

The City’s plan to Gentrify and Re-Colonize Counties 1-5  is progressing on schedule at this time.

Since we have raised or added taxes and fees on just about all city services including parking, licenses, etc. and have given our blessing to various utility companies and transit monopolies to raise rates,  many so-called “native” City Residents have been forced to leave. This has also resulted in landlords being required to raise their rents which in itself has been a major boon to our campaign as it has forced common “natives” to re-locate to areas such as Counties 3, 4 & 5 (please refer to your map)  allowing more wealthy and upper class denizens to fill their places in County 1 and especially in County 2.

We have had major success in either displacing or eliminating industries that have been in The City for far too long.  By allowing old warehouses and other manufacturing facilities to be turned into luxury condominiums, high-priced lofts, gourmet bakeries, etc. the blue-collar individuals have  almost all disappeared as they can no longer afford to live in the neighborhoods they were born and raised in.

Backing projects for various parks and other recreational areas has also pressured other established businesses to shut down as they no longer “fit” into the new neighborhood dynamic.  We have waited a very long time for this to come to fruition but we are closing in on the end result and hope to have completed gentrification of these areas by the end of 2013.  A partial list of established business that have either been forced to shut down or opted to leave of their own accord is provided at the end of this document.

“Hipsters” have become a blessing in disguise, if you will. As discussed during previous meetings, we were unsure if they would help or hinder our  progress. Although they rarely work and contribute little it seems the have been quite useful. They have chosen to settle mainly in County 2 much to the disappointment of the natives there. They patronize the newer, trendier businesses that are willing to pay exorbitant rents and fees just to say they are part of The City and they pick up trash for their “art”, taking the burden off of city sanitation. They have taken it upon themselves to move into less expensive, more urban neighborhoods in Counties 1 & 2, even giving some of them nicknames i.e., East Williamsburg, The Third Ward and Little Wisco  thus making them more attractive to new residents who are willing to overpay to reside there. They seem to view these hipsters as less of a threat than homeless people and possibly find them amusing.

Hipsters have attempted to put down roots in Counties 3, 4 & 5 but appear to be having a difficult time. This may be a result of natives who cannot afford to leave The City altogether who are relocating to these areas. We suspect that in time the hipsters will indeed establish themselves there, paving the road for further gentrification, it will simply take longer than expected. For now, Counties 1 &2 are approximately 85% homogenized.

The City is also entertaining  several  new resources for revenue, but they will be discussed at our next meeting. The legal department is still ironing out details and it would be imprudent to address them at this time. Rest assured, our staff is working diligently on this project and at least two should be on the books by the end of the year.

Below is a list of some of the businesses that have or MAY close in the future:

Philip’s Candy http://www.placematters.net/node/1415

Ruby’s Coney Island http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com/2011/08/rubys.html

Brownfeld Auto Service http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/high_line_and_dry_Jur2an4S5JcHYmf3egSO6K

Antiques Garage in Chelsea  http://stuffnobodycaresabout.com/2011/08/08/garage-flea-antique-market-closing/

Various remaining meat packing plants in said district http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/08/nyregion/thecity/08meat.html?_r=1&ref=thecity

Andrew’s Coffee Shop – one of the last two? http://www.yelp.com/biz/andrews-coffee-shop-new-york-3

Jade Mountain http://lostnewyorkcity.blogspot.com/2007/01/curse-of-jade-restaurant.html

There are many, many more including Mars Bar, Film Center Café,  P&G Bar,  Olympia Garage, Bialystoker Nursing Home, Galaxy Diner, Chelsea Hotel,  Jahn’s Ice Cream Parlor, Durrow’s of Glendale, Moondance Diner,  Coney Island Bialys & Bagels, CBGB’s, etc., etc. We will not list links to articles here but you may search the internet for them and others on your own. It is  indeed true that some of these establishments closed because times have changed, our administration can’t take all of the credit, although we’d like to.

If you are aware of any other businesses/buildings that have been shuttered or destroyed completely in the past 10-12 years, please feel free to list them.

DESTROY AFTER READING: NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Totally Fake News - maybe and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Gentrification Project Update

  1. Ethan Pettit says:

    “East Williamsburg” and “3rd Ward” are not “nicknames” of recent vintage. The 3rd Ward dates to the 19th century, the Southside was the 1st Ward, the Northside was the 2nd Ward. “East Williamsburg” comes from the “East Williamsburg Industrial Valley” which was established in 1981. Do your homework.

    • wagnerowicz says:

      When I grew up un Greenpoint it was just Williamsburg. I do genealogy and am fully aware of wards and what not but we don’t call my part of SI the “1st ward” we just call it Rosebank. Simmer down.

      • Ethan Pettit says:

        Hey, I’m half asleep here. Just correcting false perceptions. My point exactly. You grew up in Greenpoint. So tell me when “Bushwick” moved north of Flushing Avenue? I moved to Williamsburg in 1983, and at that time it was still, as you say, “just Williamsburg,” from the waterfront to Queens.

    • wagnerowicz says:

      I can’t say I know much about Bushwick, in the olden days it was full of German brewers and their beautiful homes. The breweries started to close in the 1950’s and then there was the summer of 1977 when the residents burned half the place down. As for Williamsburg, my dad lived on North 6th and Berry in the late 60’s before he moved to Greenpoint and had me and I think my grandmother moved over to North 8th. It was nothing at all like it is now. I was back there a few years ago and took a walk “up the avenue” and it was just not the same.

      • Ethan Pettit says:

        That is very interesting, your family history in this area. I probably caught the last of that era when I moved to Williamsburg in 1983. I was right around the corner from where your father lived, in a storefront on Bedford and North 5th. Everything started to change in about 1987, and it didn’t stop. True, today you can hardly recognize the place.

  2. Beth says:

    Hipsters are a lot like dust bunnies – you leave them alone too long and they multiply like crazy completely destroying everything local in their path to be replaced by trendier/short-lived things (that’s me being optimistic). Here we’ve got trailers – everywhere an airstream selling the latest in gimicky food with, of course, a cup cake place right next to it.

    (Aside: Loving the new picture! Are you sure you’re not from Texas?)

    • wagnerowicz says:

      I am a true city gal, but my aunt is in Canton and my husband just joined the NRA .I have not one Confederate in my family either, which I think disappoints some of my kin. That pic is from Fleet Week, the USS New York was in port like 10 blocks from my house, that’s where they let me hold the gun.

      I compare hipsters to herpes, just when you think they may be going away, they show up again and there is no cure 😦

  3. DCBX says:

    I hate that it has to be like this, but it basically comes down to: regular folks can’t have nice shit. If shit is nice around your way, no dogshit on the ground, shitty chickenscratch graf everywhere, loud music at late hours, menacing looking kids on each corner….. then you probably will have to move up out your shit real soon.

    If you see someone tagging, pissing, smoking weed, and/or selling crack in the street around your way, buy ’em a brew for keeping rent down and hipsters OUT.

  4. Uncle Waltie says:

    Yeah, someday this war is gonna end… and I’ll be a POW.

  5. The What says:

    Beautiful, just beautiful..

    The What

    Someday this war is gonna end..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s