This draft memo was discovered on the men’s room floor in an eatery near city hall.
September 1st, 2011 CONFIDENTIAL DRAFT
To: To Be Determined
Subject: Update on Gentrification and Re-Colonization of New York City
This memo is a follow up to the Update… of February 15th, 2011.
The City’s plan to Gentrify and Re-Colonize Counties 1-5 is progressing on schedule at this time.
Since we have raised or added taxes and fees on just about all city services including parking, licenses, etc. and have given our blessing to various utility companies and transit monopolies to raise rates, many so-called “native” City Residents have been forced to leave. This has also resulted in landlords being required to raise their rents which in itself has been a major boon to our campaign as it has forced common “natives” to re-locate to areas such as Counties 3, 4 & 5 (please refer to your map) allowing more wealthy and upper class denizens to fill their places in County 1 and especially in County 2.
We have had major success in either displacing or eliminating industries that have been in The City for far too long. By allowing old warehouses and other manufacturing facilities to be turned into luxury condominiums, high-priced lofts, gourmet bakeries, etc. the blue-collar individuals have almost all disappeared as they can no longer afford to live in the neighborhoods they were born and raised in.
Backing projects for various parks and other recreational areas has also pressured other established businesses to shut down as they no longer “fit” into the new neighborhood dynamic. We have waited a very long time for this to come to fruition but we are closing in on the end result and hope to have completed gentrification of these areas by the end of 2013. A partial list of established business that have either been forced to shut down or opted to leave of their own accord is provided at the end of this document.
“Hipsters” have become a blessing in disguise, if you will. As discussed during previous meetings, we were unsure if they would help or hinder our progress. Although they rarely work and contribute little it seems the have been quite useful. They have chosen to settle mainly in County 2 much to the disappointment of the natives there. They patronize the newer, trendier businesses that are willing to pay exorbitant rents and fees just to say they are part of The City and they pick up trash for their “art”, taking the burden off of city sanitation. They have taken it upon themselves to move into less expensive, more urban neighborhoods in Counties 1 & 2, even giving some of them nicknames i.e., East Williamsburg, The Third Ward and Little Wisco thus making them more attractive to new residents who are willing to overpay to reside there. They seem to view these hipsters as less of a threat than homeless people and possibly find them amusing.
Hipsters have attempted to put down roots in Counties 3, 4 & 5 but appear to be having a difficult time. This may be a result of natives who cannot afford to leave The City altogether who are relocating to these areas. We suspect that in time the hipsters will indeed establish themselves there, paving the road for further gentrification, it will simply take longer than expected. For now, Counties 1 &2 are approximately 85% homogenized.
The City is also entertaining several new resources for revenue, but they will be discussed at our next meeting. The legal department is still ironing out details and it would be imprudent to address them at this time. Rest assured, our staff is working diligently on this project and at least two should be on the books by the end of the year.
Below is a list of some of the businesses that have or MAY close in the future:
Philip’s Candy http://www.placematters.net/node/1415
Ruby’s Coney Island http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com/2011/08/rubys.html
Brownfeld Auto Service http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/high_line_and_dry_Jur2an4S5JcHYmf3egSO6K
Antiques Garage in Chelsea http://stuffnobodycaresabout.com/2011/08/08/garage-flea-antique-market-closing/
Various remaining meat packing plants in said district http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/08/nyregion/thecity/08meat.html?_r=1&ref=thecity
Andrew’s Coffee Shop – one of the last two? http://www.yelp.com/biz/andrews-coffee-shop-new-york-3
There are many, many more including Mars Bar, Film Center Café, P&G Bar, Olympia Garage, Bialystoker Nursing Home, Galaxy Diner, Chelsea Hotel, Jahn’s Ice Cream Parlor, Durrow’s of Glendale, Moondance Diner, Coney Island Bialys & Bagels, CBGB’s, etc., etc. We will not list links to articles here but you may search the internet for them and others on your own. It is indeed true that some of these establishments closed because times have changed, our administration can’t take all of the credit, although we’d like to.
If you are aware of any other businesses/buildings that have been shuttered or destroyed completely in the past 10-12 years, please feel free to list them.
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